It Was Nice Knowing Ya, Instagram

Today Instagram, being the dinks/ phone app nerds/ way smarter humans than i am, decided to reveal the new Instagram story feature which allows users to post snapchat like stories for 24 hours before being deleted (its the internet era, idiots, nothing gets deleted). Like any good millennial would, i panicked, and i panicked hard. For those of you too rational to understand the implications of this, let me explain in two parts.

Social media is really just the 2016 product of the double life we all live. Every day you wake up, shower, brush your teeth, and get dressed to spend the next 9 hours of your day trying to prove to your boss that you are a functional, professional, contributing member of society. What really goes on during that 9 hours is a whole lot of blank staring, clicking a lot around your computer to make it look like your doing something, and overall killing time until your boss walks away so you can check twitter again and read important things like the finest dick jokes the internet has to offer. Just as you wouldn't want to share the latest Draymond Green NSFW pic with your VP, you do not want to be posting snapchat story quality moments on a classy app like Instagram. Snapchat is for the quick, funny, moments where you feel a false importance that “people care what i am doing right now”. Snapchat is like a play by play for your weekends, where you'll click through a hundred ground balls for that one home run of your buddy throwing up out of an Uber’s window. Instagram should be reserved for that one home run, the picture where you and your buddies are somehow coherent enough to all be looking at the camera and able to remember to toss on that Juno filter to make yourself look ten pounds skinnier and a whole lot tanner. Like Thomas Jefferson once said, their must be separation of snapchat and Instagram.

The awkwardness of adding someone on snapchat limits the amount of garbage you have to deal with, and lets face it, theres nothing you care about less than the minute long snap story of some old flame taking shots of fireball at the bar with her friends. For this reason, snapchat consists of only the people you care enough about to quickly click through their story without watching to get it off your feed. Instagram is a different beast, unlike snapchat, the more Instagram friends the better. Law of averages tells me that the more people i follow/follow me will lead to many more likes, and anyone who tells you they don't obsess over likes is a liar. So thanks to Instagram, instead of just seeing the brutally loud snapstorys of the girl you drunkenly added (congrats to me on the drinking), you can also watch the brutally loud story of the kid you barely remember from middle school at the bar who you only followed so they would follow back and give your latest pic of *insert your family member whose not on Instagram*’s birthday.

So people enjoy it while you can, because this is inevitably the beginning of downfall* for Instagram.

*By downfall i mean the opposite of downfall. Apparently 300M daily active users and a projected $2B of ad revenue for 2017 is the sign of a successful app these days. And who am i kidding, like my complaining, my use of Instagram will also increase.